Review: We Are What We Are (2013)

I'm a big fan of Stake Land, the writer/director's last film, and I also like Mulberry Street (you got to keep in mind it's a no-budget first feature, but it isn't bad). I hate this remake though. It starts out alright. There is a great moment early on when the father suddenly snaps at his son, breaking the slow pacing, but these characters don't feel real at all. I didn't care about them so the whole thing became incredibly boring. Plus, the shit they do later on is just insane and doesn't make any sense, which is the point I guess, but without being invested in the sisters or seeing any real humanity in the father, the film completely lost me. What was obviously supposed to be a shocking scene at the end turned comedic. I wanted to like this movie, but it didn't even remotely work for me aside from the beginning. If they had developed the characters better and made the history of why they're doing what they're doing more understandable so we could see it through their eyes, it could've been interesting, but I don't recommend it. I'm curious about the original film though.

Review: Malevolence (2004)

Boring slasher flick. You've seen it all before and done a million times better. Just rewatch Halloween or a Friday the 13th film. I didn't care about any of the characters. Not one. Didn't like the killer. He doesn't have a cool mask or costume. No amazing new weapons. Nothing to make him memorable. He's probably the most boring part. Every cliche is present and accounted for. Psycho standing in the background but no one notices? Yep. Picking off idiots one by one? Yep. Slow moving murderer who always gets back up? Yep. Is it scary? No. Is it exciting? No. Is it even remotely good? No. The beginning is a little different, but then it grinds to a halt, and you see a cruddy remake of Carpenter's classic without the talents of Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, etc. It was painful to sit through. Avoid. The fact this has a 5.0 rating on IMDb is ridiculous. Don't be fooled by it.

Review: 13 Seconds (2003)

Fuckin shoot yourself in the head before you decide to watch this garbage. What's incredible with this shit storm is it actually ended up in Blockbuster! How bad is it? The dialogue doesn't even match the actor's lips! Yes, it may as well be a foreign film dubbed in English to kill us all. I'd rather have a space parasite harvest my organs for breakfast than try to sit through this bore fest. Their idea of acting is playing some full-retard robot with no soul. Hell, that's an insult to robots! You really can't understand how horrible acting can be until you've seen this, and the writing that comes out of these people's mouths will have you making a Ringu face of death. If you find this lurking about in a store or some smelly bargain bin, don't make eye contact. Run as fast and as far away as you can. It's the only hope you have of saving yourself. Don't you dare be fooled by those fake we-made-our-own-film-festival awards on the cover or any half-assed paid-off reviews. The twist at the end is fuckin stupid and just proves you've wasted your time.