Review: 13 Seconds (2003)

Fuckin shoot yourself in the head before you decide to watch this garbage. What's incredible with this shit storm is it actually ended up in Blockbuster! How bad is it? The dialogue doesn't even match the actor's lips! Yes, it may as well be a foreign film dubbed in English to kill us all. I'd rather have a space parasite harvest my organs for breakfast than try to sit through this bore fest. Their idea of acting is playing some full-retard robot with no soul. Hell, that's an insult to robots! You really can't understand how horrible acting can be until you've seen this, and the writing that comes out of these people's mouths will have you making a Ringu face of death. If you find this lurking about in a store or some smelly bargain bin, don't make eye contact. Run as fast and as far away as you can. It's the only hope you have of saving yourself. Don't you dare be fooled by those fake we-made-our-own-film-festival awards on the cover or any half-assed paid-off reviews. The twist at the end is fuckin stupid and just proves you've wasted your time.

Review: Automaton Transfusion (2006)

See that quote from Bloody Disgusting? "One of the best zombie films in decades." Bullshit. This is by far one of the worst, and given the fact that anybody can make a zombie movie these days, that's saying a lot. You get a couple good special effects, but everything else is just awful. Even the look of the film itself is excruciatingly terrible with a jittery fucked-up framerate issue. The audio was obviously all recorded later so none of it sounds natural, and sometimes, the dialogue doesn't even sync up right. Forget character development or story. Continuity errors? Plot holes? Huge fuckin gaps in logic? Check, check, and check. You get completely stupid shit like zombies surrounding a house and then magically all disappearing 10 seconds later when the heroes have to flee. There's a wonderful scene of them driving in a jeep then all of a sudden, they're in a fuckin lake with no explanation or connection to the last shot. The title makes no sense. There isn't even a fuckin ending! Literally, it just stops with a "To Be Continued..." Who needs to actually bother finishing a movie? Not these guys! We shot some shit, slap a quote on it, package it (better pay that cover artist well), and you're done! The only reason to watch this movie is to be blown away at how unbelievably wretched it is. Even then you're liable to regret it.

Review: Monkey Shines (1988)

I remember always seeing the poster for this as a kid, but I never got a chance to see it until now. It's really quite a strange movie that could so easily be one of the most absurd things you've ever seen: a helper monkey forms a telepathic link with its new quadriplegic owner (due to some experimental drugs of course) and starts killing people because of its master's rage. But Monkey Shines is actually pretty good for what it is... no doubt I'm sure thanks to George A. Romero. I wouldn't exactly watch it again, and the wacky scenario might still yield a few unintentional laughs, but it was worth seeing once. Sadly, the creepy toy monkey on the poster is nowhere to be seen in the final product. The live animal in the movie really isn't that scary. I'm sure if you read the book this is based on, the story plays out a lot better since you can just imagine everything. Something is definitely lost in the translation to film, but the fact you can take any of this seriously is an achievement on the part of the filmmakers.

Review: Fido (2006)

Never heard of this movie. Just stumbled on it via NetFlix Instant and decided to give it a shot. Right from the Paul-Verhoevenesque propagandist opening that perfectly establishes this fictional world and the satirical tone, you know you're in for something special. This is a completely different take on zombies that also reminds me a lot of Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands. Seemingly set in 1950s America, Fido feels like a period piece... yes, I'm sure you're dying to watch it now, but it actually allows for a lot of charm, innocence, and dark humor especially at the way it exposes the flaws in that "perfect" suburban life. Looking back at the title now, it's all too clear why it was chosen. This is the story of a boy and his zombie. Surprisingly though, it's really good.

Heck, Billy Connolly (of The Boondock Saints fame among others) plays the damn zombie! Dylan Baker (Dr. Connors in Raimi's Spider-Man) is the boy's father with Carrie-Anne Moss (The Matrix, Memento) in the mother role so you know the acting is brilliant. You couldn't have a better cast. Henry Czerny is another amazing actor whose name I didn't know until I looked him up, but you've seen him in tons of stuff, and he's one of my favorites in this. There's a lot of subtle but hilarious humor just playing with the conventions of this sub-genre. Such a shame then this gem only got released on two screens in the US. Way to go, Lions Gate! Good original horror? Dump it. Saw 25? Wide release with all the promotion you can buy!

I keep looking at that poster, wondering why it doesn't interest me. Maybe because it's just another zombie? If it actually tried to convey the story ie a boy and his zombie, I think I'd be more interested but probably a trailer would really have to do it. Ok, maybe this isn't an easy sell, but Lions Gate could've at least tried to market it. Again, look at Edward Scissorhands... they found a way to sell that (probably just because of Burton's success with Batman and Beetlejuice). What's funny is Eddie also opened on just two screens but grew and grew until it ended up grossing $56 million just in the US. Studios suck. It's all about minimizing risk and increasing profit... welcome to the business.

Hey, wait, why is this in here? Bad Google.

Review: Insidious (2010)

A new horror movie that's actually good? Yes, it's true. And it's PG-13? I was actually shocked to find that out. What can I say... I like the red stuff especially when it's practical (no fuckin CGI!). First, I want to complain about the poster. Why? Because I hate it, and it made me not want to see the movie. I hate possessed kids movies, which is all you get from the crappy one sheet and DVD/Blu-ray cover (they should've used the witch one I have to the left or a silhouette of the red demon). Evil kids have been so overused, and they usually end up with some dumb scene of a kid beating up adults, which no matter how you slice it, just looks silly. Plus, you can't beat The Exorcist. Thankfully, this film is smarter than that. There is one semi-ridiculous moment like I just mentioned, but it's very brief, and the rest of Insidious makes up for it.

The actors in this film are excellent. I'm looking at you Patrick Wilson (Night Owl!) and Rose Byrne (hottie!). They actually seem like a real couple, and the characters are well developed, but what really did it for me is the atmosphere. The tension that you get from the very beginning. Immediately, you're treated to a creepy shot of that fuckin witch just standing there. Later on, you get a fantastic jump scare with that damn red demon. Once the whole story unfolds, you see how unique it is. I don't want to spoil anything, but I really haven't seen a film go the possession route from this particular angle. It was really interesting, and the originality is appreciated. I guess some have complained about the stupid paranormal investigators, and I don't think they're the best either, but I still think the movie is good regardless. Some threw a fit about the ending, but I actually liked it. Its gutsy and not what I expected. Definitely recommended if you like creepier horror.