Review: The Conjuring (2013)

Quite good and creepy. I like Patrick Wilson a lot ever since Watchmen (even Hard Candy although he plays a disturbing scumbag in that, but he's a great actor). There is one dumb bit of cgi showing some black figures attached to the family members and some cg puke (ok, ok, a breaking chair too), but they only stand out since there is so little computer FX in this. It's definitely nice to have the emphasis on good old fashioned scares and atmosphere instead. The Warrens make for some great main characters, and the way they acknowledge all the skepticism helps your suspension of disbelief. The poster with the doll on it is pretty misleading, but I like marketing that doesn't ruin the movie. Wan does an excellent job directing this, and it feels different enough from Insidious so you don't feel like you're watching the same film regardless of the cast and crew similarities. Of course, it doesn't beat The Exorcist, but compared to most of the crap these days, it's outstanding.

Review: Monster Brawl (2011)

The idea of having all these classic monsters duke it out is genius, but the final result is unbelievably boring. The first time I tried to watch it I shut it off after 20 minutes. I went back and finished the rest despite it feeling more like an obligation than anything. I have to admit I'm not a fan of wrestling so I would've much rather seen some flesh being torn off with buckets of blood thrown around. These monsters do have teeth and claws for a reason so let them go berserk. They steal plenty of lines from Mortal Kombat for Lance Henriksen's voiceover yet all the gory carnage of that infamous game is missing just like its neutered film adaptation (sadly, that movie is still better than this). They also left out any spectators for the fights, which would've been a golden opportunity for some nightmarish contestant to run amok and paint the ground red. I like seeing each monster's origin, but the whole thing just disappoints in the end. Look at that Japanese poster. It's a million times better than the movie and shows you how awesome it could've been.

Rachelle Corbeil is the best part of this movie.

Review: The Purge (2013)

The concept is unique and pretty interesting even if it leaves you wondering why the rich couldn't just take a vacation to another country during the annual purge, but still, I'll admit I was entertained. There's plenty of dumb stuff like the daughter always going off by herself, not warning someone of immediate danger, not cutting someone loose who could help, etc. You also get a pointless stupid bit of cg blood. I do like Ethan Hawke though, and there is a fun action scene with him. Something ridiculous this film does over and over again is right when someone is about to be killed, there is a dramatic pause then a hero shoots the killer so the victim is saved. It happens like a million freakin times. It's actually hilarious. But I did like the main bad guy, a young spoiled Ivy League psycho. They don't flesh out his character at all, but he's pretty creepy and menacing. Also, I'm sure I'm just a gullible idiot, but I didn't see the end coming. I was surprised at what happened although it all feels unresolved and shallow. They also make Americans look pretty damn awful. If you're bored and got nothing better to watch, here you go.

You might remember... her... from... what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Dredd.

Adelaide Kane... I don't think she even has a character in The Purge, but she doesn't need one.

Review: World War Z (2013)

Better than expected. A lot of CGI, and in one scene, it's horribly obvious they're intentionally not showing a dead zombie's head wound, but still, there's plenty of tension, Brad Pitt makes a good lead, they've got some nice big set pieces like the bit in Israel, and (tiny spoiler) you get a batshit crazy scene on a plane, which I loved. Plus, I've never seen hordes of zombies like this so even if the CGI was unconvincing at times, I appreciate something new. I haven't read the book, and I understand the movie doesn't really follow it at all so I'm just looking at this as its own separate thing. Of course, I would've liked some more blood (of the corn-syrup kind, not computer generated), but I knew going in there wouldn't be much since they were aiming for a wider audience. I did see the unrated version, which I guess added a little more, but it was still pretty minimal. I wish we could see the original ending since that sounds interesting, but I liked what they did instead. It really was pretty good. It's nuts how The Walking Dead can get away with so much on TV where anyone can watch it yet a film like this can't show a head wound.

She wasn't in World War Z. What a shame.

Review: Crawlspace (2012)

This one really reminded me of The Dark Lurking except the performances were a lot better. In order to tell you the real problem though, I've got to spoil something so if you just want to see it for yourself without knowing anything, stop reading. Ok, here it is: there aren't any monsters in this movie. With the corridors from Alien and Aliens, you really expect some creatures or demons or something, but all you get is one animal that was experimented on. When I was watching it, I was excited since that happens kinda early on so I thought that was the tip of the iceberg. Nope, that's it. What they do instead is alright, but it would've been awesome with some unique, terrifying monsters. They've got some pretty cool characters with good actors in the roles. The thing is it all reminds me of Aliens minus the other major component of what made that film so memorable. By using that aesthetic and not delivering the goods, they shot themselves in the foot. It's not awful, but it could've been amazing.

Review: Under the Bed (2012)

Pretty disappointing. They spend so much time at the beginning with the kid hesitating to go into the house that it's almost comical, and it gets incredibly boring waiting for the monster to show up. The first scene is a long exchange in a car between father and son that seems to last forever. I read an interview with the director where he talked about using practical FX, and there is a guy in a suit for the monster, but then they did a lot of CG effects on top of it to make him move quickly. It really doesn't look very good at all. The real problem is the monster doesn't do anything until the end of the movie, and the dad is another asshole who puts his kids in harm's way to make them face their fears, but it's going way too far. Plus, early on, you get a scene with the step mom in a washer room that ends so abruptly I didn't understand how she got away or what happened. It's just a mess. I liked the gore at the conclusion, but it was such a huge change from the rest of the film, and when they're in the monster's world, the fact it's low budget becomes horribly obvious since the set is way too cheap and small.

Review: The Dark Lurking aka Alien Undead (2009)

The special effects are outstanding in this Australian indie, but the acting is abysmal, and the shaky cam close-ups ruin everything (just watch the scene below). They had so much potential for an amazing Aliens-type action film (and the monsters really do rip off Giger's design as you can tell from the poster although they have some other different plague-like creatures too), but they screw it up. All the guys try to talk like badasses, but it's obviously ADR and sounds horribly fake. You've also got some extremely annoying characters that do nothing but whine and instead of dying immediately, they stick around to drive you nuts. In the US, this movie was released as The Dark Lurking, but in the UK, they put it out under the title Alien Undead. Either way, it sucks unfortunately. I thought for sure I'd at least be able to enjoy the practical FX, but with the fuckin shaky cam, it's impossible. Why the hell do filmmakers do that? Don't they understand how awful it is?